Trigger Happy

Anyone who really knows me also knows I'm never offended by anything and I never bear grudges. Life is too short for such unnecessary drama. Yes, there are people I do my best to avoid, but only those who like to spread gossip or moan about me behind my back. Or worse, those who like to spread gossip and then lie about it or project the blame onto others.

One or two people went off the grid a couple of years ago when my parents were admitted to hospital and subsequently both died. It's been almost two years since I last heard from or contacted a close friend. That may sound harsh, petty, or like I'm bearing a grudge, but when someone you're close to just completely ignores you during the worst chapter of your life it says a lot about them. Equally, when they do respond and all they're doing is moaning about their job and never even contemplating to ask if you're ok it tells me they have absolutely no empathy whatsoever. Also, I was never comfortable with the way they spoke about their "bestie" as if they moaned about them they were undoubtedly also moaning about me.

Like I said, no ill feelings or bitterness, but you can't be friends with someone who ignores you or can simply take you or leave you. I'd always be friendly and civil if I saw them, but there's more chance of the BBC commissioning Jim'll Fix It with Jimmy Carr than there is of some friendships picking up where they left off.

As someone with an interest in human psychology I was also most intrigued recently when I noticed a friend on Facebook had unfriended me. I wasn't upset, just slightly perplexed. We'd been Facebook friends for at least seven years, although she wasn't someone I'd ever met in real life. So I'd say she was more a friend of a friend. However, she seemed to love my dog related posts and appeared kind and amiable whenever we'd occasionally message each other. I found it odd, to say the least, that someone would go from liking practically everything you post... to essentially erasing you from their life.

I have, over almost 20 years, had one or two “friends” bin me on social media for petty things. One minute they’re “loving” your posts and then they suddenly go cold. Until weeks or months later they unfriend or even block you for no reason that makes sense in any multiverse. They appear to be normal, rational people, but there’s something different lurking within. They have an ingredient that gives them this uncanny ability to overreact and hit the 'block' or 'unfriend' button without any adult discourse about why you might have upset them in the first place.

There's little point in me asking this friend as she doesn't owe me an explanation and nor do I owe her an apology. The obvious answer is that human beings can just be fickle, strange, and mystifying. We don't know what people are going through, so the "trigger" for unusual and irrational behaviour could be literally anything. I knew it wasn't the dog photos, and I never post anything political, but it was certainly something. My only conclusion was that, believe it or not, some people hate it when you post memories of your parents. That's the only obvious thing that has changed about my posts over the last 18 months and I have had one or two strange comments about 'letting them rest'. Yet I will continue to share memories on significant anniversaries for as long as I'm alive.

I am almost certain that someone reading this has heard at least one negative thing said about me at some point over the years. Whether it’s something completely untrue and defamatory or something as petty as “He posts too many dog photos”. Occasionally, people will repeat something they’ve heard about you, so with 50% of the full story that person will then decide everything they’ve heard about you must be true. God knows how many people are upset with me – based on what someone else has said about me that isn’t even true.

Yes, I've had gossips in my social circles over the years, but thankfully I don't move in those circles anymore. I try and distance myself from gossips, even if it means having less friends. For example; 'Friend A' telling 'Friend B' that 'Friend C' loaned me some money and I couldn’t pay it all back. Except it doesn't stop there. 'Friend A' also tells 'Friend B, C, D, and E' and then at least one of those tells 'Friend X, Y, and Z' or their entire extended family. I’d also confide in one or two friends about things that somehow became known by half a dozen people two weeks later. They go on to lie and point fingers elsewhere when challenged, but I think, deep down, we all have people in our lives who spread gossip and misinformation. It doesn’t mean we don’t like them and it's not always malicious – but we have to be very cautious about what we share with them. 

If I went through my Facebook friends and removed everyone who’s ever said something negative about me it would be quite a cull. However, I’m one of the most forgiving people you’re ever likely to meet. I’m not offended by anything, nothing “triggers” me, and when all is said and done, I just can’t be arsed. Life is too short to be constantly offended. If someone said to me “You look tired” it’s probably because I am tired, and I’m certainly not going to have a meltdown over something so trivial. 

My dry sense of humour is undoubtedly responsible for at least one friend exit. The problem is, the written word is often being misinterpreted. We don’t have a typeface to denote sarcasm, frivolity, or tongue-in-cheek comments that can be easily picked up with face-to-face or verbal communication. We also interpret things very differently. I’ve posted something that has received so many different reactions – from the 'cry laughing' emoji to the 'sad' emoji. Exactly the same post, but each one of us will interpret it differently and therefore react differently.

If a friend posts something that seems rude, controversial, hurtful or upsetting then before you fly off the handle you need to employ some critical thinking. How long have I known this person? Do they have a history of being intentionally rude or inflammatory? Read the post a few times, maybe contact them privately to find out what they meant and ask them to expand on it. So many will simply hit the block button or immediately launch into an angry reprisal when it’s often so completely unnecessary. 

In the grand scheme of things we're only alive for a brief moment so make the most of it and don't overcomplicate life.